As the new year began, my father called to wish we well. He asked a very specific question for which I had some very specific thoughts and feelings in response. I did not however, answer his question honestly. I understood at the time why that was the case, what prevented me from sharing with my Daddy EXACTLY what I thought and felt during my families new year celebration/get together.
While it was great to be with family on the 31st, it was not all well with and for me. I am the proverbial "black sheep" of the family and despite my best efforts, continue to be the primary scapegoat, marginalized truth teller. It is always the one in the family who speaks truth and reality that people avoid and chalk up as the "crazy one". Now to their defense, they may have me labeled as such because of my numerous hospitalizations for depression, yet, they are unable to understand the source of my suppressed anger and they support me with maintaining that suppression cause no one wants to hear your/my truth.
So I did not tell my daddy what I really thought and felt and these thoughts flowed following my conversation with him.